I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
