you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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