i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
