it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
