you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
