She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Be still, my beating vagina.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize