I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
