he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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