Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
