My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
