I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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