My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
