I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
