I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
