There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize