dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
