it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
