The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
