Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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