Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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