well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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