My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
