oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize