***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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