The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
