Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
