Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
