I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize