dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
