My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
