You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
