WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
