$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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