I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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