Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
