I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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