It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
