My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Randomize
