i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
