I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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