Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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