I wish my penis had an off switch
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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