I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
