thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
