I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
