i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
