And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
