oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize