I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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