i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize