I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm at about main and main street
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
