i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
