That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
