how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
