I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
