i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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