The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize