my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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