Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize