She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm getting married
To pizza
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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