dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
