Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize