Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
someone owes me an orgasm
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
