its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
