Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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